How to find yourself after you’ve lost “him”

It is now time to put the gallon of ice cream and Nicholas Sparks movie down once and for all. It is time for all women to stop the sexist and stereotypical “heartbroken girl emotionally eating with mascara running down her face” description from defining us any longer.  Instead of allowing this stereotype to dominate a woman’s actions after a breakup,  it is time to change the standards. There is actually no better time to renovate yourself than after a breakup!

However, everyone needs to pass the grieving stage. Grieve hard, cry in the shower, call your best friend, or punch a pillow. Allow yourself to release all the built up anger. Put your headphones in, listen to these depressing songs, cry it out, and never do it again afterwards.

Nevertheless, don’t allow the grieving stage to go on for too long. After you have run out of tears, now it is your time to perform a complete 360 on yourself. Does this seem impossible? Trust me, I thought things could never get any worse. Instead, I was able to concentrate on becoming the best me possible. Suddenly, my pieces started falling back together and this time, I was growing better and stronger.

There are certain steps that can certainly aid the healing process. While some of them are challenging, they are necessary!

  1. Unfollow him on all social media

You might be thinking you are strong enough, and will not stalk his favorites on twitter every hour, but trust me it will happen, and it’s going to push you two steps backwards. Don’t lie to yourself, you wanna know what he’s doing, if he’s doing okay without you. This is only going to hurt you. You have to unfollow him, he’s going to understand. Even if he got offended, he broke up with you in the first place, he lost the privilege to receive your care and attention. If you find yourself angry, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF, DO NOT SUBTWEET HIM OR TEXT HIM. From personal experience, you will regret this. Indirect remarks will not make him come back to you. Roast him in your groupchat instead, but do not subtweet, you are better than this, don’t show him your weakness.

2. Distance yourself from him

He probably told you that “he really wants to stay friends” and I am telling you right now that is impossible at first. If he tells you this, say that you have to think about it, or that eventually you will see. You will not be able to have a healthy friendship until you get over him, otherwise it would be toxic and you will have to live pretending like you’re not dying to have him back. After you have spent some time away from him, reevaluate the possibility of a friendship. As for now, learn to live without him.

  1. Sweat the anger out

Trust me, this one works. I am a very lazy person and regularly prefer not to exercise. I collected all my built up anger and went for a run on bayshore just ’cause, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Get your headphones on and start thinking about everything he did wrong, soon you’ll realize you just ran four miles. Besides, running is scientifically proven to release endorphins, which make you happy. You’re exercising your body and your mind at the same time!

I lost 15 pounds after my breakup with a lot of motivation from my friend Taylor!
Alejandra Lozano
I lost 15 pounds after my breakup with a lot of motivation and an amazing spotify playlist!
  1. Lose weight

Not that you aren’t beautiful just the way you are, because that is true, but looks are always a key factor of relationships. Don’t do it for him, do it for yourself. You will feel better about your image, and you know you’ve been dying to wear that black dress that is hanging in your closet. Not only will you improve your health, but new people may be attracted to you and become a prospective partner.

Back to my happy place @gunnarfitness

A photo posted by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

Khloe Kardashian fell in love with working out after her divorce with Lamar, and now she is unstoppable!

5. Talk, talk, talk

Had I not allowed myself to rant about him for days and days, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. Yes, you will annoy the life out of your friends and family, but they love you and will listen. So yes, talk about the good times, remember the memories and then talk about everything he did wrong and why you deserve better. Soon, the conversation will shift from “I miss him so much” to “I can’t believe I dated him.” Talk to your parents. I was never close to them or told them about my feelings because I always put my relationship before them. After the breakup, I realized they are the ones who will love me unconditionally and with no expiration date. I guarantee you that they will give you amazing advice. I couldn’t have gotten through this without my parents. 

Your dad is the only man who will never hurt you!
  1. Don’t think about ways to get him back, think of how to get yourself back

Join a sport, go on a trip, go shopping, find your passion somewhere else. Do something for yourself today that will make you happy. This will make you realize that it is possible to be happy without him. Hang out with your friends! These people will not fail to make you smile, and they wanna see you get better!

My best friend Grace brought me chocolate during my breakup and was there for me until I got better!
Alejandra Lozano
My best friend Grace brought me chocolate during my breakup and was there for me until I got better!
  1. Stop blaming yourself

A relationship is formed by two people, this is not your fault. Stop saying that you should’ve done this and that, you can’t take back time. Instead, think of all the good things you did in the relationship, and use that to learn and prepare you for your next.

You are a princess! Do not settle for frogs while you are awaiting your prince. And always remember, you were happy before him, you will be happy after. I completely understand how you might think you are never going to get over this, but you will. Someone new will come and make you forget what it ever felt like to be sad. Take your time to heal, and watch yourself become the best version of you possible.